


I try so hard to fly, but my heart won't go very far

by angi190



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Blowjobs, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, Eventual Happy Ending, Forced Prostitution, Hurt/Comfort, I apologize in advance, I might add more tags later, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Smut, also not graphic, it's like only one paragraph, it's not graphic but its there, sorry if I'm forgetting something, this fic is kinda dark, where do I start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:03:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8454595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angi190/pseuds/angi190
Summary: “I know, Brad I know. I’ ll pay you, you know that. I just need something right now …“ he’s breathless. Everything hurts. It’s been all day and all night since he had his last hit and he can’t wait much longer before his body goes into fucking shock.“Please, man , I just need something. I don’t have any cash, but I’ll pay you back tonight, I swear.“ he’s begging and it feels humiliating, but it doesn’t matter as long as he has what he needs so desperately right now.“Come by to the club and we’ll think of a way for you to pay me back.“Brad answers with even slimier voice and Josh chokes out “okay” and hangs up.  He pulls the hood over his head and hides his sweaty hands in the pockets of his jacket.  He still feels terrible about the way he ran away and left Tyler to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. He’ll figure it out he promises himself, he just needs his dose and everything will be okay





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much a vent fic that I wrote to take some stuff off my chest. It's dark, but with a hopeful undertone.
> 
> OR 
> 
> the drug addict AU nobody asked for but I got inspired in the middle of the night and wrote a 21k story about it.
> 
> The title is taken from "Hole in the ground" by Twenty one pilots

Tyler likes the smell of coffee. He found it early in his teen years, when his parents used to drink coffee every morning  and the smell of it filled the house within minutes. It was his favorite part of the day, inhaling the intoxicating smell of freshly baked coffee. He’s not really a fan of drinking it, the bitter taste it leaves in his mouth is not his favorite thing in the world. But the smell of it … it’s like a drug.

Probably that’s how Tyler ended up working in a small but cozy coffee shop in his hometown Columbus, where he could smell the magical coffee beans being baked and brewed all day long.

It’s also interesting because he can stand behind the bar and observe the people who came and went, bringing something new and exciting every day. Like the hangover dude who spilled his entire coffee all over his suite and even got it in his hair and was forced to “shower” on the bathroom sink for almost a full hour. Or the couple that came in to drink coffee, but ended up making out and leaving the bar without even touching it. Tyler observed the people who came in, finding something interesting in each of them, like there was some sort of untold story about each person that only the magic of coffee could unfold.

Of course there were regulars who Tyler got used to seeing every day. They were different in age and appearance but all of them shared their love for coffee. Tyler could resonate with that.

His days usually start with playing the piano by his bed, a worn and old looking thing he kept through the years of not really using it , but being too fond to get rid of it. His mom bought it when he was 15, a desperate and at the time unsuccessful attempt to make him interested in  _something._ His teenage years were one big blur of unresolved and suppressed emotions often turning self-destructive and harmful. This piano took a lot of abuse, but Tyler was happy he kept it. 

After the plays for a good 30 minutes, he can start his morning routine. Shower, brush his teeth, make coffee and then spending the rest of his free time before he has to leave for work on his favorite spot by the window, smelling the freshly brewed coffee and admiring the view of the town.

Today is especially cold day, the rain pouring down on the empty streets and tapping lightly and Tyler’s window, then slowly sliding down to mix with the water flow. Tyler is sitting at his usual spot in front of the huge kitchen window with a big cup of steaming coffee, holding it close to his nose . The sound of rain mixes with the smell of it somehow and Tyler feels a shiver running down his spine from the sensation. It feels sad, but safe at the same time , like an ache that’s soft and familiar.

There’s barely any people out on the street, a flash of umbrella here and there, but it’s mostly empty. It’s too early, too cold and unwelcoming for most people to be outside.

Most, but not the guy who walked slowly down the street as if it was not raining at all, his hood pulled all the way over his head, hands hidden in the pockets of his jacket and feet slapping loudly in the puddles quickly forming underneath his feet.

Tyler squeezes his cup tighter in his hands and slides closer to the window to get e better view of the stranger who moved slowly down the pavement and looked uncoordinated and unsteady. The stranger looks too good to be a homeless person so maybe he’s just drunk, coming back from a party or something like that, Tyler decided while watching the man lean on the building’s wall to steady himself.  Tyler’s too high to see any details of the stranger, but when he leans his elbow against the concrete his hood falls slightly to the side and a flash of pink dances in front of Tyler’s eyes, startling him.

Everything around was is colorless, with the grey sky and muddy pavement that the bright color is shocking and out of place in the entire picture. The hood is being pulled back a few seconds later, hiding the vibrant color which brings a surprising pang of disappointment in Tyler’s heart.

The man makes a shaky attempt to regain his balance and move away from the wall, but he fails spectacularly when his feet tangle with each other and sends him cascading down to the wet ground.

Tyler furrows his brows, nose scrunching up above the coffee mug and eyes squinting to see if there’s any movement. The man is a bundle on the ground and Tyler can’t see if he’s sitting or lying down. He’s worried. Why is he worried ? It’s just some drunk stranger with pink hair who accidently walked down Tyler’s street after what must’ve been a tough night of drinking. Tyler’s already late for work and he should  get dressed and head for the coffee place down the street. He really should. But that’s not what Tyler’s doing.

He’s putting on his jacket and shoes, still wearing his pajamas but not really caring what people will think when they see him. His feet carry him out of his warm apartment and out on the cold rainy street where the stranger is still propped up  on the wall in a sitting position, knees to chest and face to knees. The hood is covering his head completely so Tyler can’t see his face, but he looks like he’s shaking. It is a dumb idea to sit in a gigantic puddle on the street in the cold after all, so there's no surprise the man is cold.

Hovering next to the sitting stranger awkwardly and not knowing exacty what to do Tyler fiddles with the buttons of his coat. He wasnt great at starting conversations , especially half-awake people. 

" Um " he starts and sees the stranger flinch at the sound, but still mostly unmoving from his hunched over position. " Hey " Tyler continues and feels like he's getting even more awkward by the second.

“ Um.. “ he says again waiting for some sort of response but getting none “ Do you need help ? Sir .. ? “ now that got him reaction finally, the stranger raising his head from his knees and making Tyler gasp quietly.

The first thing Tyler notices is the color of his eyes. It’s dark and intense, like a slightly burned coffee on a Saturday morning. Around the beautiful coffee colored orbs there are angry and red circles, like he has been drinking or crying the entire night prior. They’re so red it must be painful and the stranger is blinking repeatedly, confirming Tyler’s suspicions. His face is slightly scruffy, like he hasn’t shaven in a day or two, with dark circles underneath his eyes like he hasn’t slept in a day or two and a warm looking lips slowly turning blue from the cold. His nose is slightly bigger than average and slightly more curved than average and ends with a nose ring. Tyler is gaping, he knows it, but he can’t look away from the magnetic coffee colored eyes and the soft yet tired look inside of them.  The hood is still on and Tyler can barely contain himself from reaching out and pulling it off, just to get another glimpse of the vibrant pink hair.

“Um .. do you need help ? “ Tyler repeats again , realizing how wet he is getting from the rain falling down on him. Why did he think it was a good idea to go out in his pajamas in the middle of a goddamn rainstorm ?

“ Yeah” the man says quietly and Tyler could feel his heart jumping at the softness of the stranger’s voice. It’s  deep and silky smooth. Why are his knees buckling?

“ What’s your name ?”  he asks, feeling uncharacteristically nervous

“Josh” what a beautiful name Tyler caught himself thinking. Why was he thinking that?

“I’m Tyler “ he says , trying not to stare at Josh’s ears which have gauges stretching them. “ Why are you sitting on the ground ? “

“ I can’t stand “ Josh rests his head on the wall behind him and closes his eyes. Tyler is now staring again, this time at his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

“ Um .. do you want me to help you ? “  Josh opens his eyes and looks up with the same warming look, but there’s also surprise there.

“ Why would you want to do that ? “ he asks and now Tyler is completely confused

“ Because you’re wet and it’s raining and you’re sitting in a puddle of water on the ground, so … “ he trails off, mesmerized by the smile that’s now stretching Josh’s face and making it look even more beautiful.

“You’re sweet, Tyler” he says and Tyler shivers , because he wants to hear Josh say his name again.  

Josh stretches his hands forward and up and Tyler gently grabs them, giving the unsteady man enough leverage to pull himself up. His hood slips off in the process, revealing a mess of tangled curls of pink hair that is already dark brown at the roots.

Josh is gripping Tyler by the hands when he kinda straightens up, the trembling traveling as a vibration up and down Tyler’s bones.  Josh looks fragile and small, curling onto himself like he can’t stand straight. Tyler puts one of Josh’s hands around his own shoulders and lets the pink haired man lean most of his weight on him.

“ Do you want me to call a taxi ?  “ Tyler asks, wondering where the hell the other man is going in this condition. “ Do you live far ?”

“Nah, I just need to get to the subway, I’ll be fine from there “ Josh answers, but Tyler deeply doubts his words.

“Okay, just lean on me and I’ll help you . My work is close to the station “  Josh looks up at him with his impossibly honest and warm eyes and smiles a grateful smile that warms Tyler’s heart.

“Thank you” he whispers and leans on Tyler who feels really bad for the pink haired man, but can’t place the exact reason why.

So they walk, slowly and carefully because Josh can’t stand on his feet and keeps tripping and Tyler is not the strongest person and gets tired halfway to the subway station. They make it in the end and Tyler sits Josh down in the plastic chair , breathing heavily. Josh curls in on himself on the chair, hugging his stomach and looking like he’s about to throw up.

“ um .. are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital ?” Tyler asks , because the other man looks on the verge of passing out.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. I’ll be fine “ Josh tried to persuade him, but fails when his body jerks with a spasm. He’s sweating, but it’s cold and this is so weird and wrong and sad and Tyler can’t look away from Josh’s shaking frame. There is definitely something wrong with him.

Tyler’s phone rings and it’s Mark, his supervisor at the coffee place and fuck, he’s so late and so in trouble. But the pink curls shake in front of him, their owner squeezing his eyes like he’s in pain.

“ Do you want me to come with you ? You really don’t seem to well “ Tyler keeps insisting because he’s afraid that Josh will pass out somewhere.

“No. You should go, thank you for helping “ the strain in his voice makes it sound very unconvincing.

“ Right … um .. do you need anything ? Can I get you a medicine or something ? “ Tyler tries and Josh looks up at him, face turning slightly red.

“ I—I’m – “ he’s stuttering to form the next sentence “ Could you maybe lend me some money ? “ he asks looking anywhere but at Tyler who’s slightly taken aback by the request.  “ I will give them back as soon as I have them , I swear. “ Josh adds quickly turning even redder

“ Let me just check if I have any on me. I didn’t get my wallet “ Tyler pockets his coat and actually finds 20 dollars there “ Here, this is all I have on me. “ he stretches his hand towards Josh who’s still not looking up at him.

“ Thank you “ he says, taking the money with shaky hand and adds “ I know where you work so I’ll come by when I have the money. I promise “ Tyler feels uncomfortable , because to him these 20 dollars are not a big deal, but it seems that to Josh they are. He starts wondering about the reason the other man was on the streets in this pitiful condition again and thinks that maybe he’s in more trouble than Tyler imagines.

“Don’t worry about it man, it’s just 20 bucks. You’ll pay me back whenever you can, all right ? “ Josh nods, flashing him a shy and grateful smile.

Tyler leaves after Mark calls him two more times even though he’s not at all sure that Josh can make it on his own to back to his house. It doesn’t leave him the entire day, the unsettling feeling of worry and guilt for leaving the guy in such condition on his own. Fuck he should’ve asked him for his number or something. Now he had no way to reach out and had to hang on to the hope that Josh will keep his promise and come by his work.

A whole week passes and there’s no sigh of Josh. Tyler kind of gives up on hoping that the pink haired man will show up, feeling angry at himself for getting so worked up over a complete stranger. A beautiful stranger with coffee colored eyes that smelled like sadness and rainy days. Tyler has headaches for the rest of the week.

It’s Sunday, still cold but not rainy anymore. Tyler is working a full day shift that has been pretty boring and uneventful . He keeps glancing at the door, hoping to see a flash of pink somewhere along the never ending flow of people. It’s not as often as it used to be days ago, but his eyes still wonder around, searching for something.

Mark notices his unsettledness but doesn’t comment on it. He asks him a couple of times if he’s okay and Tyler answers yes each time, because he’s not in the mood to be lectured by his friend for hanging out with complete stranger and giving him money. Tyler knows he’s too gullible and careless, that he shouldn’t expect anything from the stranger and just move on with his life. And yet his eyes keep searching for something. Until the “something” finds him.

Tyler is making latte behind the counter when someone comes up to him and stands there awkwardly, waiting for Tyler to finish his task. Looking up the latter spares a glance at the figure and looks away  before quickly looking back to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Josh is standing in front of him, his hair hidden underneath a grey beanie that frames his face in adorable way that makes his heart leap. He looks so much better than the last time Tyler saw him it’s almost like he’s a different person.  His eyes are no longer red and swollen. The bags are still underneath his eyes, but they are no longer black and heavy. His skin has color that’s not as pale either and he’s actually standing on his two feet without much trouble.  And oh God the smile. His perfect white teeth are bared in a mind blowing smile that melts Tyler’s insides in seconds and turns him into a puddle of babbling liquid. Someone punches him in the shoulder and draws him out of his trans. Mark. Ah yes, he’s staring at Josh again.

“ Hey ! “ he exclaims and tries to sound not as eager as he actually is. “ You showed up “ Josh looks slightly hurt at that

“ Of course I did, I told you I’d find you “ he’s propped on the counter, looking relaxed and soft and warm and … Tyler is staring again. Crap.

“ Yeah, um – sorry I mean – I don’t mean that I didn’t think you’ll come I’m just … it’s been a while so .. “ he trails off annoyed by himself, but Josh lets out a giggle that warms his heart

“ It’s okay “ he reassures with a smile “ I know I didn’t look too trustworthy last time we met . Honestly I was a complete mess. Sorry you had to witness that “  Josh blushes slightly

“ No, it’s fine, really. Did you make it okay to your place ? “ Tyler asks because he has been dying to know all week.

“ Yeah, didn’t pass out on the way there, so it’s all good “ Josh answers with a smile and playful tone that makes Tyler smile back.  He notices that Josh is wearing pretty much the same clothes – black skinny jeans that are ripped at the knees and black jacket.  There’s a pink strand that pokes out underneath his beanie that makes Tyler want to reach out and smooth it underneath the fabric. Josh is still smiling at him by the time Tyler finishes the drinks he’s been making and hands them to the clients.

“When do you end your shift ? “ Josh asks and Tyler’s heart jumps at that

“ Umm in about 2 hours ?” he kind of says it as a questions and wants to slap himself for that

“ Tell you what. I still owe you 20 bucks so why don’t you have dinner with me after your shift ends ? I’ll pay you back and treat you something for being so kind to me “ Tyler actually hesitates because he barely knows the man in front of him who he literally found on the street in helpless condition. But Josh is smiling softly at him with gleaming hope in his eyes and warmth that Tyler can’t deny he needs at the moment.  It’s been so long since he went out with someone or socialized outside of his job.  He nods and is awarded by the beaming toothy smile Josh flashes him, eyes crinkling at the corners in the most adorable way.

“Sick” Josh exclaims and giggles “ Can I wait for you here ? I mean I can leave if you don’t want me to hang around at your workplace, I’ll totally understand …” but Tyler shakes his head before he can finish his babbling.

“ It’s okay, you can stay here if you want “ the worry drains out of Josh’s face and he says “thanks” before flashing him one last warm glance and goes to take a seat at the back of the place.

The shift can’t end soon enough and when it finally does Tyler changes to his normal clothes as fast as he can and goes back to Josh who’s still patiently waiting for him.

They go to a small, but cozy place not far from where Tyler lives, but one he has never been to. It’s already decorated for Halloween even though it’s barely the beginning of October and Tyler loves that. They order some food , but barely touch it from talking all the time, not leaving any for actual eating. Josh keeps swinging on his chair back and forth like a little kid and Tyler is actually scared he’s going to fall on his ass and hurt himself. He’s smiling and biting his lip and doing all sorts of childish things that warm up Tyler’s heart and makes him want to wrap the pink haired man in a blanket and keep him safe.

Josh shares so many of Tyler’s interests it’s scary. They both love music and poetry, both have dropped out of college and both play instruments.  They talk for hours, until the food goes cold and the owner of the place ushers them to pay the bill. Josh pays, even though Tyler tries to convince him to split it.  When they leave the place they walk down the empty streets and keep talking, like it’s the most natural thing in the world.  Tyler is infiltrated. He has never met anyone before, who’s  so naturally opened, kind and honest like Josh. It’s so easy to talk to him and he seems like a very open minded and good-natured person.  Tyler is usually difficult to talk to because he’s pretty much the opposite of Josh – closed up and not very talkative.  Some people even call him weird. He never really cared what people think about him, but right now as they walk slowly towards the subway station he hopes that Josh will want to hang out with him again.

“ I’ve really had an amazing time tonight “ Tyler admits and sees Josh smile with the corner of his eyes “ Thanks for taking me out. It’s been a while since I had so much fun with another person”

“ The pleasure was all mine, Tyler, honestly “ they walk even slower now, the station only a minute or two away. Tyler doesn’t want the evening to end. “ And … “ Josh turns to Tyler, looking him straight in the eyes with his huge mocha collared ones, something painful shining in them “ … thank you so much for helping me out. I know it doesn’t seem like much to you, but it means the world to me “ he sounds so honest and his voice is wavering Tyler feels like his tears are going to spill any moment.

“ I couldn’t just leave you there, Josh “ Tyler says because he can’t imagine not helping the man.

“ You’re the only person who didn’t”  Josh answers and looks down “ People always walk right past me. You’re the only person who actually stopped to see if I was okay and that means a lot to me. “ Josh’s voice breaks halfway through the sentence and Tyler can’t stand it anymore , so he reaches out and hugs Josh.  He smells of cigarette smoke and unwashed clothes and a hint of  grapefruit. Josh is slightly taken aback, but recovers quickly and wraps his own hands around Tyler gently. He feels the fragility behind the gentleness,  like the man in his arms has been through something that made him so careful and gentle.  People can be so cruel.

When they let go Josh’s eyes are wet, but Tyler doesn’t comment on it.

“ Wait.. you mean this happened before ? “ the pink haired man looks down again

“ Yeah” his voice is quiet and he keeps looking down “ I am one giant mess”

“ Tell me about it “ Tyler says and Josh looks up, eyelashes sprinkling with wetness “ I cried when I spilled my coffee yesterday “ Josh giggles at that and Tyler realizes that he never wants to see his scruffy and kind face being sad ever again. He doesn’t want to press and ask further about the reason he needed help in the first place, because Josh doesn’t seem comfortable talking about it.  So instead he grabs Josh’s hand and scrambles his number on it with a pen he’s been carrying around.  Josh smiles.

“This means you want to hang out again ? “ he asks hopeful and Tyler nods , smiling himself.

“ Text me whenever. If you wanna hang out or just talk or whatever” he finished lamely

“Deal” Josh says back. They are standing in front of the subway station which means Josh has to leave.  Tyler feels sad. It’s foreign feeling, to miss someone you hardly know before they even left.

“ Well this time I don’t have to carry you down the stairs at least “ Tyler jokes, trying to drown the feeling of separation and longing that burns inside of him. Why does he feel this way ?

Josh laughs, eyes turning into slits from how wide his smile is.

“ Yeah. I think I can make it on my own this time “ they stand there for a while, not saying anything, both unwilling to leave. “ I better go. It’s getting late “ Josh finally says and Tyler nods.

“ Yeah, have a good night Josh “

“ Thanks, Ty, you too “ it’s a nickname no one has used , not since his brother called him like that years ago.  It hits a cord in Tyler and he chokes on his breath.

He spends the rest of the night replaying the evening back in his head and how well they clicked together. When he hung out with Josh it felt like they knew each other for a long time and Tyler felt safe enough to be himself.  It was just one dinner, but he already felt a bond between them, something that hasn’t happened to him before.

Josh doesn’t call him the next couple of days and Tyler is worried that he might’ve scared the other man away. Maybe he was too clingy or too loud or … too something. He had such a great time and it looked like Josh had good time as well.  So why wasn’t he calling ?

His phone vibrated an hour before the end of his shift three days later. It was a message from unknown number. Opening it, Tyler’s heart jumped.

**Hey, Ty.  Meet me at the bus station after you finish work ? Wear something warm. Josh x**

Tyler blinks at the screen. Josh wants to hang out with him. He was inviting him out on a … no, not a date, just to hang out. Still Tyler feels excitement filling his veins.

Two hours later he’s standing at the empty bus stop, wearing his coat and a scarf. Today the weather is especially chilly so he put it on before he left home.

Josh’s perfectly white teeth greet Tyler before Josh himself could, glistening on the street lamp’s lights in a perfect smile. Tyler is smiling too, because it’s impossible not to when Josh is grinning widely in front of him, eyes almost closed from how much they crinkle at the corners.

“ Hey Ty “ he greets and envelopes the other one in a warm hug, making Tyler want to glue himself to Josh so they would never have to separate.

“ Hey, Josh” he says into the other man’s shoulder and hugs just as tight. “ I’m really glad you texted me “ he adds as they separate. Then he notices the big picnic basket the other man carries in his hands, as well as two blankets. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise

“ What are these for ? “ Tyler asks curiously and Josh grins

“You’ll see. I told you to dress yourself warm “ he winks and they walk down the street into the night.

They end up going to the city park, a quiet place filled with trees, flowers and small ponds. The grass is still kinda green and they put the blankets on the ground near one of the ponds and sit down. The sky Is clear and the stars are shining brightly, in stark contrast with the black skyline. It’s freezing and Tyler is happy that Josh has brought an extra blanket they can cover themselves with. There’s also food in the basket and a bottle of vine. Tyler feels more and more like a highschooler on a first date and he absolutely loves it.

Josh is kind. He is considerate and gentle, mostly listening than talking and oh is he a good listener. Tyler ends up telling him personal things, things he hasn’t shared with many people, but with Josh it comes out so easily. There is no judgment. No questions why or how or when. He just listens and nods, eyes glistening with empathy.  Tyler doesn’t mean to burden Josh with all of his bullshit experiences, but he still ends up telling him about how difficult it was growing up in a strict Christian household and finding out he’s gay at the age of 13. How awful it was to hide that from his parents and his pears, how he struggled to be himself but also be a good brother and a good son.  How he left his home at the age of 15 because he fell in love with a boy from his neighborhood and the boy’s parents found out about them dating and accused his parents. It went on and Josh is so patient and comforting Tyler can’t stop talking until he ends up crying in Josh’s warm embrace.

“You’re beautiful Tyler “ Josh whispers to him “ You’re the most beautiful person I have ever met. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise “ and Tyler is so grateful to have Josh by his side he can barely stand it.

He curls up in Josh’s arms, head buried in the other man’s shoulder realizing how lonely he has been all this time. How empty his life has been without someone who gets him and makes him feel safe.  Josh is like a gift sent from heaven.

They kiss under the stars, cold noses touching gently, chapped lips exploring each other in a slow dance. Josh is just as gentle kissing like he is In everything else. He lets Tyler take the lead and opens his mouth eagerly when the other one licks his lips. Tyler feels like drowning, enveloped by the other man’s presence around him. He knows it’s dangerous to feel so much for someone he barely knows, to trust him so blindly but God he can’t help it. Josh is roaming his hands up and down his sides, exploring and soothing at the same time.  Tyler wants more, the teasing touches and warm lips against his drive him insane. He has been alone for so long the touch sets him on fire, makes him feel live.

His body moves on its own accord as he climbs on top of Josh and straddles his hips. He’s so caught up in the kissing he doesn’t notice that the other man has stopped moving at first, but when he feels Josh stiffening underneath him he opens his eyes.  Josh is literally frozen to the spot, huge eyes staring up at Tyler with something close to terror in them.  Tyler freezes himself, unsure what he has done to change to situation so dramatically.

Josh is shaking, his breath is coming out in short aborted pants and Tyler is beginning to panic. He climbs off the shaking man, who instinctively curls up on himself.

“Josh ? Josh, what happened ? “  Tyler is asking with shaky voice , but the other man is squeezing his eyes shut and shaking like a leaf

“Josh, please, talk to me . What happened ?” at that Josh is shaking his head and buries his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry “ he whispers “ I’m sorry “ he keeps saying it and Tyler doesn’t get why he apologizes.

“Hey, it’s okay you didn’t do anything wrong “ but Josh keeps saying “sorry” and Tyler is really scared now

“ Please, I’m sorry “ Josh is crying now, soft quiet sobs making his voice shake  “ I’m sorry I didn’t bring you the money, I was so hungry, p-please “ Tyler freezes, disbelieving of what he just heard.  Was he relieving something that happened to him ? Was he seeing things ?

“Josh, it’s me, Tyler.  It’s okay “ Tyler is desperate now, the scene in front of him both confusing and terrifying. “ Come on, J, it’s just me, nobody’s going to hurt you “

Josh has scooted away from Tyler, still panting and shaking. He has no clue what's going on or what to do, but it seems like Josh is having some sort of panic attack and Tyler is really scared. It takes the pink haired man a good 10 minutes two calm down until he's not shaking or crying anymore, face buried in his hands more out of shame rather than fear.

" Sorry , Ty. I'm sorry" the apology sounds directed towards him this time and Tyler feels overwhelmed with relief that Josh has finally come back to his senses.

" What happened ?" Tyler's voice shakes badly " Are you okay ?

" I should go" Josh says, lifting his head from where it's resting on his knees " I'm sorry, Tyler. This .... This shouldn't have happened ... I should go " his eyes are red and unfocused,  snot and tears covering his entire face. He’s still beautiful and Tyler wants to kiss all of his tears away.

“You don’t have to go “ he tries desperately, but Josh is already getting up on wobbly legs “ Let me come with you then ? “ he tries again, but Josh is shaking his head

“ This was a bad idea … I—I’m a huge mess, I don’t want to mess you up as well “ Josh says and takes off into the night.

Tyler sits there , confused and scared, filled with both sadness and disappointment. Why did he have to rush things and get all over Josh so soon ? Couldn’t he fucking wait until they got a little closer before he climbed all over him ? Damn it, what is wrong with him  ? Now Josh will probably never want to see him again. Tyler cries for the first time since he broke up with his ex-boyfriend year and a half ago. He’s not sure exactly why he’s crying, but he can’t stop for hours. Is it the terror in the coffee colored eyes he saw then they got closer? The lost opportunity to start a relationship, no a friendship with someone he honestly liked and enjoyed being around?  The whole around mess that he currently was in ? He didn’t know.

The tears stopped early in the morning, when the sun showed up and reminded Tyler that he had to go back to work. His head hurts and it feels like a fucking migraine. He hasn’t slept and is exhausted beyond explanation. And the guilt of bringing Josh to that state is also eating him alive. He gathers the stuff from the grass, most of it belongs to Josh and he doesn’t know what to do with it, but he takes it home with him anyway. He takes a quick shower and goes straight to the coffee place. It’s too early, but it’s not like he can sleep anyway.

He texts Josh before his shift starts. It’s a simple “ Are you okay ?” followed by “You left so suddenly , I hope you’re doing well” and ending with “ I miss you” which Tyler regrets right after he hits send. It’s true, he does miss Josh’s warm smile and even warmer embrace. He misses his light sense of humor and kind smile. But it’s too intimate, too early probably. Josh doesn’t answer any of his texts. Tyler’s migraine wouldn’t go away for the rest of the week.

 

**

Stupid stupid stupid _stupid._ Josh an idiot. He’s a complete fucking idiot. Why did he have to freak out like that ? There’s one person who doesn’t think he’s a piece of fucking trash and treats him like a human being and he just had to fuck it up. _Fucking stupid._

Josh is emptying his bags, searching, looking, but he can’t find any. His hands are shaking so badly he can barely hold his phone in his two hands. There are bunch of unread texts, most of them from Tyler and he ignores them. He can’t deal with it right now, he just can’t. He needs something else, but he’s fucking _out,_ but God he needs it.

He dials a number he can recite in his sleep.  No one picks up for a couple of seconds and Josh’s palms begin to sweat.  _Pick up, Brad, pick up, **pick the fuck up.**_

“ What’s up Joshie boy “ a slimy voice greets Josh and he fucking hates that voice, but God he needs _it._ “ Why are you calling me so soon. Are you out already ?”

“ Yeah, Brad “ his voice is shaking and he can literally feel the sneer on the other man’s face. That goddamn bastard is going to take full advantage of his desperation and Josh knows it. “ Do you have any ? “

“ Hmm I might, but you still haven’t paid me for last time. I’m not fucking charity, Joshie , you know that.” Josh can feel his heart hammer in his chest so fast he might have heart attack. His chest hurts. He needs a hit and he needs it soon.

“ I know, Brad I know. I’ ll pay you, you know that. I just need something right now … “ he’s breathless. Everything hurts. It’s been all day and all night since he had his last hit and he can’t wait much longer before his body goes into fucking shock.  “ Please, man , I just need something. I don’t have any cash, but I’ll pay you back tonight, I swear “ he’s begging and it feels humiliating, but it doesn’t matter as long as he has what he needs so desperately right now.

“ Come by to the club and we’ll think of a way for you to pay me back “ Brad answers with even slimier voice and Josh chokes out “okay” and hangs up.  He pulls the hood over his head and hides his sweaty hands in the pockets of his jacket.  He still feels terrible about the way he ran away and left Tyler to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. He’ll figure it out he promises himself, he just needs his dose and everything will be okay. It’s a lie and josh knows it, but he keeps telling himself that lie until he makes it to the club where Brad “works”.  The bouncers know him and let him in without a word.

Since it’s early morning there’s nobody in the club, the crowds left probably an hour ago.  He approaches the bar where a tired looking bartender looks up at him and nods.

“ What’s up Josh “ he says while cleaning up a mess somebody has made on the counter “ Looking for Brad ? “

“ Yeah “

“He’s at the back” the bartender says and points to the “ Staff only” signed door.

“Thanks “ Josh says and disappears behind the door as quickly as possible.

Brad is there, sitting on a huge couch along with his other two buddies snorting coke and laughing at something.  All three of them look up when Josh walks in and it makes him anxious, palms getting even sweatier than they already were. Their look is predatory and Josh hates how intimidated it makes him feel.  There’s a pile of white powder on the table in front of the couch and Josh’s stomach twists with _need._ Coke isn’t his fist choice of drug, but God he’d sniff a line right now just to take the edge of the pain his body is locked in.

He’s frozen to the spot at the door, not sure what to do or what his hosts want from him. Brad sniffs another line and beckons Josh to come closer with two fingers. Josh approaches , fear rising in his chest and anticipation burning low in his belly.

“You want some ? “ Brad asks and Josh nods before the other man could finish asking “ Then you’ll have to work for it “ josh swallows, instincts telling him to turn around and leave, but the burning need in his veins freezes him to the spot.

Brad undoes the fly on his jeans, never moving his eyes from Josh who can barely stand on his feet. 

“ What’s the matter slut ? Waiting for an invitation ? “ the other two men laughed and Josh would be embarrassed if he wasn’t so fucking desperate.

He falls to his knees between Brad’s legs and works on getting the older man’s dick out of his jeans and underwear.  He’s already half hard, just from humiliating Josh in front of his buddies. They are watching the show, not intending on giving Josh any privacy.

When he finally takes the other man’s cock out he strokes it a couple of times and leans in, closing his eyes to at least pretend he’s doing it to someone he likes. He sucks it into his mouth, the musky and salty smell hitting him straight away. Brad is cursing above him and moving to grab Josh by the hair to direct the speed and depth, forcing the pink haired man to choke on his dick. 

Brad is rough and fast, like he always is and by the time he blows his load down Josh’s throat , the younger man is sore and light headed.  But it also means that he’s going to get his hit which is the most important thing right now.  Josh stays at Brad’s feet, because he knows that the older man likes it and waits for his reward. 

“ You want it bad, huh ? “ The bastard asks, tucking himself back to his jeans “ You’d probably suck the entire club off for a hit right now “ he’s toying with Josh , makes him wait longer than he could stand , amplifying his need to get a drag of _something_ , because he needs it so bad it _physically hurts._

“Come on, Brad, please “ Josh says with badly shaking voice “ I sucked you off … you promised you’d give me something “ he begs again, because the need to take his hit is bigger than his pride or self-worth.

A little plastic package Is being thrown at him and Josh almost fall face down attempting to catch it. Everybody laughs at him, but he doesn’t care. He has something, probably coke or crack, but it will do for now and that’s all that matters.

“Thanks” he says, grabbing the package and stuffing it into his pocket.

“ You still owe me , Joshie boy “ Brad says with a leer “ And I’ll expect you to pay me back tonight. “ he adds and Josh wants to throw up. The taste in his mouth is still bitter and he wants to set himself on fire just to get rid of it.

“ I’ll pay you back “ he mutters and leaves the room, followed by laughter and cheering.

Now that he has his dose he can’t wait any longer to have it. The place he currently stays too far away and he won’t make it there. There’s an ally behind the club that’s pretty much empty and Josh stumbles there, sliding down to his knees and rips the package open. He takes his tools out of the jacket pocket – a lighter, a spoon and a syringe and melts the white powder as fast as his shaking hands are allowing him.  After it turns into liquid inside the spoon Josh leaves the lighter on the ground and fills the syringe with the musky liquid.  His hands shake so badly he’s afraid he won’t be able to hit a vein, but he still gives it a go , bearing his right arm that’s covered with tattoos and sticks the needle into the vein popping out of his skin.

At first he feels nothing, just the throbbing in his arm where the needle broke his skin and made it bleed slightly. After a couple of seconds the pure bliss hits him like a freight train, erasing any trace of the desperation and agony his body has been in just a couple of seconds ago.

He’s flying in the clouds, light and absolutely weightless. His body relaxes, the blissful feeling traveling through his veins and bringing the long waited relief.  Josh knows that the feeling won’t last too long and it will be over sooner than he wants it to, but hell it feels like absolute heaven at the moment.

He falls asleep somewhere along the way, after the initial effect of the drug has worn off and left the unbearable exhaustion to take place. His body feels like lead, limbs too heavy to move a millimeter. It doesn’t feel like sleeping, but more like floating somewhere far away from the street where he’s lying helpless and so gone.

Josh wakes up hours later when the rain pounds down at him so hard it leaves him soaking wet and freezing. He’s lying in a puddle of water and wishes with all of his heart that Tyler could come around and save him again. But of course that couldn’t happen, good things didn’t happen to people like Josh so he stumbles up to his feet with great difficulty, hands slipping on the wet surface of the nearest building.

He wonders down the streets, slipping and falling a couple of times before he finds the building he’s currently staying at and tumbles in through the front entrance.  He climbs the stairs all the way up to the attic and fumbles with the lock on the door with his badly shaking fingers.  When he walks in he leaves a wet trail after himself, but that hardly matters. The attic is literally just an empty and unfurnitired  room not much warmer than outside, but at least it’s not raining there. Much. A couple of puddles are already formed on the ground where the water has managed to make its way inside.

 Josh takes off his soaking wet jacket and throws it on the ground where the bags containing his clothes are placed. There’s a matrass on the floor where he sleeps, but its bare since he has left his blankets in the park last night. Great job, Josh, really great job.

He rummages through his bags looking for somewhat dry clothes to wear and manages to find a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt. He changed quickly because it’s freezing and curls up on the matrass. His phone is lying near his head and it takes all of his self-control not to message Tyler.

Tyler didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have to deal with Josh’s shit,  he is too good of a person to be burdened with all of this filth. Josh needs someone, he’s so lonely it physically hurts and he misses Tyler with a fierce intensity. But he’s not that selfish. He wouldn’t drag someone as great as Tyler into this world. Josh turns away from his phone and cries. Somewhere along the way he falls asleep and dreams about hazel eyes and a warm body that smells like coffee and safety.

 

**

Tyler goes back to somewhat normal life after Josh doesn’t return his messages or calls for a couple of weeks.  He kind of grows used to the thought that the pink haired man doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. After all they’ve only met twice and they were practically strangers. Tyler didn’t know anything about the other man and thinking back to their time together he was the one who did all the talking while Josh barely shared any details about his life. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe they just wenr’t for each other.

The Universe apparently thought different because three weeks after their meeting at the park Josh shows up at Tyler’s work, looking tired and thinner than before, but he’s smiling and Tyler is so gone. He tries not to burst into a huge smile himself but fails, even after all the convincing they were not meant for each other it’s all over his heart jumps in his chest when he sees the familiar eyes crinkle at the sides.

“ Josh ? “ Tyler steps out from behind the counter and goes straight to the other man , hugging him before he could think better. The smell of sigarette smoke fills his lungs and he feels two strong hands wrapping around his shoulders.

They let go and Tyler leads Josh to sit down at the furthest table where other people couldn’t pry.

“ I’m sorry I left like that, Ty “ josh immediately apologizes “ I was a huge mess and I’m sorry “

“ It’s okay, I’m glad you’re okay “ Tyler says “ I was worried about you “

“ I just wanted to apologize for leaving like that and not answering your calls. I … I was at a bad place and … I shouldn’t have put that on you and I didn’t want you to get hurt so I just thought you’d be better off like that and… “ Josh is babbling and Tyler finds it adorable.

“ No, it’s okay.. I was just worried about you. Are you okay now ? You look like you’ve lost some weight “ Tyler says and Josh instinctively wraps his jacket tighter around his body.

“ Yeah, I’m way better now. I decided to pull my shit together and try for—for you “

“For me ? “

“Yeah. You’re an amazing person, Tyler. You helped me out when nobody else did. You’re intelligent and thoughtful and so sweet – I  -- I – you deserve better “ Tyler leans in and kisses him on the cheek. It’s quick and chaste , but Josh blushes and smiles.

“I’m really glad you’re here. And I’m glad you’re doing better. Um .. do you want to hang out later ? “ it comes out on its own accord and Josh is hesitant, but Tyler can see the sparkle of hope in his eyes.

“ I don’t know it it’s such a good idea, Tyler” he says biting his lip. Tyler is not sure either, but he’s more than willing to find out.

“ We’ll just hang out, okay ? Nothing more, just a dinner at a quiet place where we can talk. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Josh gives in and they go out for dinner after Tyler’s shift is over. They have great time again, talking about music and art and even outer space and aliens. Josh is a little bit sheepish in the beginning, but they both end up relaxing in each other’s company, helped out by red vine.

They don’t kiss this time even though Tyler wants to real bad. He hugs Josh when they separate, holding him a little longer than necessary , but Josh doesn’t protest. The pink haired man promises he’ll text Tyler.

It becomes sort of a thing. They meet after Tyler finishes work and go out for dinner or a walk. Tyler is learning more and more things about the other man, even though his personal life is still pretty much a mystery. Josh tells him he's from Illinois and he moved here when he was a teenager. He has a younger sister who still lives back in their home state. He kind of shies away from telling Tyler details about his past and what brought him to Ohio, but Tyler gets the general feeling that his childhood wasn't a happy one. Or his current life for that matter, at least so it sounds.

Josh works as a DJ at a club on the other side of town and also plays the drums which intrigues Tyler a lot. He plays piano himself and writes poetry every once in a while. He promises to show Josh one of his demo's , something he has never done before. He has always been too self concious to share it with anyone else, but Josh makes him feel so safe he has no doubt.

They become really good friends and Tyler starts inviting Josh to his apartament. Another thing he hasn't done since he broke up with his ex. But with Josh everything is so easy and feels so natural and safe he finds no problem inviting his friend to his home.

They dont do much more than play video games and eat dinner, but Tyler thrives Josh's presence.

The pink haired man never stays the night and usually leaves with the last subway train. But he always comes back the next day or the day after and Tyler is happy.

As the days pass Josh looks more tired and pale, his weightloss too apparent when Tyler hugs him one day and feels his ribs through the fabric of his t-shirt. When he asks Josh if he's okay and what was happening with his health Josh waves him off and tells him it's nothing.

Tyler doesnt press him further but his worries grow , especially when he finds Josh throwing up his dinner after they eat one evening. Josh is shaking and sweating, his eyes red and unfocused. Tyler remembers seeing Josh in this condition before, when they met for the first time on the rainy street weeks ago. Josh can't stand up from the bathroom floor because his legs shake too badly and his body is in overdrive.

Tyler has no clue what to do or how to help and out of fear he calls Brendon, a friend of his who works at the local hospital. Thank God Brandon is working a nightshift and picks up almost right away.

" Hey Ty" he greets upon picking up " Everything okay ?"

" No, Bren ... I- a friend of mine is s over and he doesn’t feel well and I got worried .. “ he trailed off, hearing Josh throw up violently in the bathroom

“ What are his symptoms ? “ Brendon asks with a serious tone

“ He’s throwing up.. a lot, Bren. He hasn’t stopped all evening. He-he also has fever or something cause he’s sweating and shaking and he’s so pale “ Tyler can feel himself tearing up, he’s so upset it makes him want to throw up too “ What do you think it is ? “

“ It’s hard to tell, these symptoms are pretty usual for many diseases . Do you know anything about his health ? Does he have and conditions ? “

“No, I mean I don’t know … he hasn’t told me anything”

“ Okay … is he adequate ? I mean does he see things that are not there or talks to someone who’s not there ?

“ I .. uh.. I guess he did say things that didn’t make much sense , but I don’t know “

“ Do you know if your friend is taking any kind of medications ? Drugs ? “ Tyler freezes at that. Is Brandon saying that Josh is taking drugs ?

“ I don’t know, why are you asking ?”

“ Sweating, hallucinations, tremors and vomiting are all signs of drug withdrawal … like I said Ty, I can’t diagnose him based on what you tell me , but in 80% of the cases I get these symptoms mean exactly that. “ Brendon says as calmly as possible, but Tyler feels the bile in his throat getting bigger and more difficult to swallow. Drugs  ? Withdrawal ?  Was Josh addicted ?

“Does he have mood swings ?  Like is he happy one moment and absolutely miserable the next one ? “ Brendon keeps questioning and Tyler panics, remembering how different Josh looked on different days. Sometimes he was smiling and easy going, making jokes and laughing at Tyler’s and other times he was closed off and distanced.

“Yeah “ he says quietly “ Oh God Bren, what should I do ? How can I help him “? “

“I’d say bring him over, but if it is what I think he’s suffering from I doubt he would agree to it.  Do you have any sleeping pills or painkillers at your place ?”

“ Yeah, I’ve got sleeping pills in the bathroom “

“Okay, give him a couple to settle him down a little. Also make him drink a lot of water because he’s getting badly dehydrated from all the vomiting. And keep an eye on him because this state of withdrawal is very vulnerable and he might want to hurt himself “ Brendon finishes and Tyler feels hot the tears run down his cheeks.  He’s so scared for Josh it makes him want to scream and cry at once.

“ Okay, okay, thank you Bren I have to hang up, but I’ll call you back”

“ Alright. Convince him to come down to the hospital If you can, okay ? And call me if anything happens.”

Tyler throws the phone at the table and runs to the bathroom where Josh is curled up on the tiles with his hands around his stomach looking even more pale then before. Tyler fishes through the cabinet above the sink for the sleeping pills and popps two out of the box. He crouches next to Josh’s shaking form who flinches and moves away until his back hits the bathroom wall.

“Josh ? It’s Tyler okay ? I won’t hurt you, I just want to give you something to make you feel better “ he says as calmly as the blazing panic allows him to.

Josh is staring at the opposite wall with huge eyes, pupils blown wide with pain. He doesn’t seem to hear what Tyler is telling him , instead he scoots away further from Tyler as if he’s trying to melt into the wall behind him.

“ Josh ? Josh you need to talk to me, please” Tyler is begging now, all fours on the ground in front of the pink haired man.  “ Do you take anything ? Are you on drugs ? “ this draws reaction, Josh flinches at the word “drugs” and looks devastated.

“ I’m s-sorry “ he chokes out “ I tried to stop them, I tried , but I can’t , I’m not strong enough, I can’t get away, I can’t ,I can’t “ he’s babbling, eyes unfocused and red

It’s an answer enough for Tyler who doesn’t know what to do with himself. Josh is addicted to drugs and he’s having a bad withdrawal on his bathroom floor. This has never happened to him and the fear of what the other man could do makes Tyler scoot away from him.

“ I tried, Ty, I tried for you, but it’s too much “ Josh keeps babbling and Tyler feels so exhausted it weights in his bones “ I can’t do this, I’ve never been strong enough to stop, I just can’t “ Josh is crying and Tyler’s heart breaks into million pieces, because his friend is too good he doesn’t deserve all of this happening to him.

“ It’s gonna be alright “ Tyler says, because there’s nothing else to say right now. He has no clue if anything will ever be alright, but he has to tell himself that. “ I’ll take care of you, don’t worry “ he then gets up and moves to pick up the blanket from his bed and wrap Josh with it. He gently walks the shaking man to the bedroom and lays him down on the bed, bringing the sleeping pills along with him.  Josh looks like a little kid, wrapped up in blankets ,scared out of his mind with his eyes blown wide open. Tyler wants to take his pain away and heal him out of his addiction but of course it’s impossible so he gives Josh the pills with some water and lays down next to him in bed.

Josh is shaking so badly the whole bed shakes with him and Tyler moves as close to him as possible without invading his personal space. Josh moves to him himself, curling up next to him like a scared little kitten and closes his eyes. It’s impossible not to wrap his hands around the pink haired man who’s shaking and looking like he’s about to dissolve into the air any minute.

It’s mystery how Tyler manages to fall asleep with how worried and scared he is, but when he wakes up its still dark and Josh is gone.  Tyler curses himself because for God’s sake how could he fall asleep when he should’ve kept an eye on Josh and make sure he’s okay. Now he’s gone and Tyler has no idea where he is or what condition he’s in . The first thing he does when he wakes up is call Josh, but his phone is turned off.

He doesn’t know where Josh lives because the other man has always been careful not to give away any details about his  personal life and now Tyler begins to realize why.  Josh is probably trying to keep him safe . Josh cares about him. Tyler wants to throw up.

He gets dressed quickly and calls Mark to tell him he’s sick and can’t go to work today. He can’t go, because he has to find Josh. The only bit of information he has is that Josh works at a club on the other side of town, DJ-ing there couple of nights a week.  It’s not much, but it’s still something and Tyler is determined to find him.

He takes the subway , because he knows that Josh takes it too when he leaves so it must be around the station somewhere. He goes all the way to the other side of town where he hasn’t been before. It looks pretty meek and dangerous, the streets looking dirty as well as the buildings. It’s a dangerous neighborhood.  Tyler shudders.

He has no clue what to do and the fear of being attacked and mobbed grows bigger as he takes a walk down the empty streets.  Why did he think this was a good idea ? He didn’t know anyone, didn’t even know the name of the club or where it was.  Tyler was stupid. No, he was _desperate_ and also stupid. Was Josh getting high right now ? Was he on ecstasy , crack ? Heroine ?  God , Tyler can barely believe he has to deal with fucking drugs.

Tyler spends the day walking around and seeing places he never thought he would ever lay his foot in his entire life. The clubs here are seedy and shady, placed in dark alleys that make Tyler want to turn around and fleet. But he doesn’t though, he stays and swallows the fear and disgust in the name of finding Josh and making sure he’s _alive._ His presence definitely draws attention and by the time the sun sets people are giving him weird and suspicious looks. It’s no surprise because after all Tyler is too well dressed and .. too ..clean to be someone who lives or inhibits this kind of neighborhood.  Plus he’s going around asking people for Josh so that must be drawing people’s attention.

It’s getting dark and the darkness draws out the worst kind of people on the streets. Armed people. With guns and knives and blood in their eyes.  Tyler is ready to run for his life when someone dressed in dark clothes and black had approaches him and literally corners him to the nearest building.

“ I heard you were sniffling around “ he says and Tyler can only see his eyes but it’s enough to terrify the shit out of him. “ Asking about a certain Josh all day… and I can’t help but wonder what would a guy like you want from a scumbag like Josh Dun ?”  and yeah this was definitely his Josh who mentioned his last name once. “ Are you his new pimp or something ? You look too squeaky clean to do business with him so what exactly do you want ? “

Tyler is shocked into silence because this man talks about Josh like he’s the biggest trash in the world and he has a really bad feeling about what he’ll find out tonight.

“ I’m um .. his friend “ he says and God it sounds so lame he wants to kick himself. The guys snorts. Then laughs.

“ Right, right” he says, laughing like he has just heard the best joke of his life “ Friend “ he says hiccupping “ Are you fucking him ? The slut would let anyone fuck him for a couple of dollars. Pathetic little bitch” he wipes his eyes and the dangerous gleam is back, sending chills of fear down Tyler’s back.

“ Josh Dun belongs to my boss “ he says, dead serious this time, no trace of laughter in his voice “ And my boss doesn’t like when other people mess with his merchandise “  Tyler doesn’t even breathe from how terrified he’s at the moment, but keeps the eye contact with the other man.  “ If he owes you money it’s your goddamn problem. Don’t bring it to my doorstep or you’re gonna have trouble. Are we clear ? “

“ Yes, crystal. “ Tyler says almost immediately. “ I don’t want to cause trouble. I just need to see him for five minutes, that’s all. He owes me nothing “ Tyler says, hoping it didn’t come out too pathetic. The taller man looks him up for a couple of seconds and smirks.

“ He’s probably at the club getting high or someone’s fucking him so he can afford to get high “ the sinister laughter bubbles up again and the man is honestly having fun talking about Josh’s seemingly terrible life. “ The club is 5 blocks away from here. There’s a big neon dollar sign in front of it. Have fun “ he grins and leaves just like that. Tyler waits for the man to go farther away before his knees give in and his back slides down the wall of the dirty building.

Is Josh …. A prostitute as well ? A drug addict and a prostitute ? God this is way more than Tyler has bargained for. He shouldn’t keep looking. He should turn around and leave all of this behind and never look back. This guy, he clearly threatened him and told him not to mess with his “merchandise” , a loud and clear sigh for Tyler to leave Josh alone and avoid getting beat up or killed in one of these dark and dirty alleys.  He should get on the train and go home and erase Josh’s number from his phone. He really should.

Instead he gets up from his couching position on the ground and heads to the club where Josh is supposedly “working” right now.  His brain is screaming at him to stop and turn around before he got himself in real bad trouble, but Tyler isn’t listening. All he can hear is Josh’s silky and smooth voice telling him how beautiful Tyler is inside and out.  How worthy and talented he is. How much he means to Josh. He sees those coffee colored eyes that are always honest, always kind and warm when they look at him, like Tyler is the center of the Universe. No one has ever made him feel like that, no one has ever managed to make him warm just with one smile and one look. He needs Josh and Josh needs him, he needs help and Tyler is determined to help him even If the pink haired man doesn’t want it.

The shiny dollar sign signals Tyler that he reached the club and it looks just as seedy as the rest of them. The bouncers at the entrance look at him with great suspicion and Tyler begins to think that maybe he shouldn’t have showered for a week before coming here, just to blend in with the rest of the population.

 He walks in and the music hits him so hard he nearly trips, the wave so loud it’s nearly impossible to stand. It doesn’t seem to bother the rest of the guests though who dance and jump and sway with the music , all of them looking high off their fucking hats.  Tyler moves ahead, closer to the bar and searches for signs of pink hair and nose ring, but it’s too difficult with how crowded the place is.  Nobody seems to notice him and thank God because he’s getting tired of being stared at all the time.

“ Are you looking for something special, handsome ?” a female voice startles Tyler and he turns towards to and sees a barely dressed and barely legal girl , holding drinks and looking at him seductively.

“ Um.. I – I was looking for someone “ he says, trying to sound like he wasn’t ordering a prostitute

“ You want someone in particular then ?  Girl or a guy ? “ she asks with absolutely no shame, but Tyler blushes from head to toe. God he’s so bad at this.

“ Um a guy ? “  he says and it sounds more like a question. Is It really that easy to order yourself a person to have sex with ? How is this even legal ? _Of course it’s not legal , Tyler don’t be stupid_  he tells himself “ His name is Josh. He’s got a pink hair …  “ he trails off, feeling more and more uncomfortable with each passing second.

“ Oh “ the girl says and grins “ Good choice… too bad he’s not available right now “ she says with mock regret “ Would you like someone else instead ? “ Tyler feels sick because she talks about Josh as if he’s an object, like he’s something they can sell and then get rid of when he no longer brings enough money. It’s sickening and upsetting and Tyler just want to get Josh and get the hell out of there.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll wait “ he says and she winks at him, adding

“ Suit yourself handsome” and disappears into the crowd, leaving Tyler with anxiety and fear deep in his chest. They’re selling people here, literally and with absolutely no attempt to cover it up.  Looking closer at the waitress she barely passes for an adult.  The people they sell here as “merchandise” could be kidnapped or trafficked or missing. Tyler feels chills travel up and down his spine at that thought.  It’s truly horrifying and he can’t imagine that Josh was a part of this world.

It takes Tyler the entire self-control in the world not to bail on Josh and leave the horrible club, because he feels so out of place there and it disgusts him to his very core. People are getting wasted and high everywhere around him. They throw up and then keep drinking and keep getting high until some of them pass out.  Tyler finds a dark corner to sit in and make himself invisible. He definitely doesn’t want to get himself in more trouble as well as Josh who is probably getting hurt right now. It’s unbearable to sit there and wait, knowing that they’re exploiting his friend at that very moment while he’s probably high and not aware of what’s been done to him. Tyler is far from thinking that there’s any consent given here _ever_ , because basically nobody asks for it. They just take what they want and Tyler wants to hurt every single person who laid their filthy hands over Josh.

It’s been over two hours, but nothing changes and Tyler is getting restless. Was Josh busy all night ? That thought sends a shudder down his spine and makes him get up from the chair he’s been sitting in. Maybe he should find that waitress and ask her about Josh again ?  Just as he was about to do that,  someone grabs him by the back of the shirt and drags him back until he’s face to face with the dangerous looking man from earlier today. He’s scared that the guy will actually hurt him this time and tries to slip out of his grip, but it’s useless.

“You again ? “ he asks , a genuine surprise laced through his voice “ What the fuck is your deal man ? Are you in love with the little whore or something ? “ he’s laughing again, but doesn’t look any less intimidating. “ You’re here to find your Josh huh ? “ he asks and Tyler nods, because hell that’s all he wants and he doesn’t remember ever wanting anything this bad in his life

“ You know what ? You can have ‘em “ he says and drags Tyler by the shirt towards a narrow corridor with doors on each side “ I’m tired of cleaning up his goddamn mess every time anyway “ he mutters , leading Tyler down to the very last door at the bottom. He bangs on it, screaming “ YO ARE YOU DONE IN THERE ?” and almost makes Tyler go deaf. A couple of seconds later three men walk out of the room, all of them just as dangerous looking as the man who brought Tyler there. A forth one comes out, still zipping his fly and looping his belt.

“ Yeah yeah we’re done. Next time bring someone who can actually take a fucking, this bitch passed out halfway through it “ he says with a bored tone and makes Tyler’s stomach twist with anger and worry. Were they talking about Josh ? Was he hurt ?  

Running into the room Tyler stumbles onto a scene that makes him stop in his tracks and clamp his mouth shut with both hands.  Josh is lying on his stomach on the ground, completely naked and covered with blood. There are bruises all over his back , stretching lower down his waist and even lower where Tyler doesn’t even want to look. He’s completely out of it and doesn’t react when Tyler says his name. Coming even closer he sees the rope that ties Josh’s hands together behind his back, leaving him completely helpless against the … four men. Tyler wants to throw up so badly it’s almost unbearable.

“ You wanted your little buddy, here ya go pal, have fun “ the man said and left, leaving Tyler to gape in shock at the scene in front of him. He nears the unmoving man on the ground who looks even worse up close.

“Oh God, Josh … oh God what have they done to you ? “ he asks nobody in particular and carefully rolls Josh to lie on his side. Blood is seeping out of his mouth,  painting his pale skin in crimson that smears all over his neck and naked chest.

“Fucking animals” Tyler whispers with deadly anger burning in his gut. If he had a gun he would kill everyone in this fucking club without batting an eyelid. He tries to untie the rope binding Josh’s wrists tightly, but gives up when it won’t let up  and cuts it with his keys instead.

Tyler has half a mind to call a cab and wrap Josh in his jacket to preserve some of his modesty. He’s not the strongest man and Josh is a lot heavier than he can handle so carrying him out on his own is impossible. He goes to one of the bouncers and literally begs him to help carry Josh out of the club. Thankfully the man agrees and helps Tyler bring his unconscious friend out. On the street, he sits on the curb of the road and cradles Josh in his lap, trying to keep him warm until the taxi arrives.

His pink hair Is mussed up and tangled and looking like someone has pulled too much on it. Tyler runs his fingers through it absentmindedly, petting the soft curls and feeling Josh begin to shake in his arms. His heart is absolutely breaking for the man in his lap, imagining the horrors he must’ve gone through while working for these people. How many times did he get badly hurt , but there has been no one to take care of him afterwards ? How many nights has ended this way for him – hurting, used and all alone. Tyler couldn’t stand that thought,  it drove him insane and stabbed him like a knife , so he promised himself that Josh will never have to feel like that again. Not if he could change it.

The night is freezing and Tyler is thanking all Gods when the taxi finally arrives because he’s so cold and Josh is practically naked and probably getting hypothermic in his arms.  The cab driver sees the bloodied man and immediately jumps out to help get Josh inside the car, bless him. He turns the heat up and asks Tyler where to drive.

“ Hospital “ Tyler says. He knows that Josh wouldn’t want to go there, but there isn’t much choice right now. He’s hurt and it’s bad. It won’t go away with a good night sleep and he Tyler knows it.

He calls Brandon halfway and tells him about Josh and that he needs help. By the time they get to the hospital Brendon is waiting for him outside with a stretcher and helps Tyler load the barely conscious man on it. 

His friends tells him that he won’t inform the police when Tyler begs him not to, but they have to run all the tests required in this situation, including a rape kit and STD’s tests.

All Tyler can do is wait while the doctors take care of Josh. It’s torturous and feels like time Is stretching into eternity while he’s waiting and waiting.  The past 24 hours have been so insane it feels like a dream. Or more like a really bad nightmare that wouldn’t end.

When Brendon comes into the waiting room Tyler jumps as if he’s been hit by electricity.

“ How is he ? Is he going to be okay ? “ Tyler immediately aks before Brendon could say anything

“ He’s going to recover, but it will take quite some time . He’s pretty roughed up. There aren’t any serious injuries except for bruised ribs and a couple of knocked out teeth. We stitched him where he’s been cut, but it wasn’t too deep so I think there won’t be any scars left. “ Tyler is trying to breathe properly, overwhelmed with relief that nothing is injured badly , but still afraid to hope too much 

“He must’ve taken a whole cocktail of drugs because we found traces of ecstasy , cocaine and heroin in his blood. His stomach has been cleaned , but it will take a while for his body to recover from the heavy drugs. “ Tyler was nodding and clamping his mouth shut to avoid embarrassing himself by crying or screaming , both very likely to happen.

“ We also ran the rape kit and his last sexual activity was definitely not consensual. I’ve been a doctor for long enough to know sexual abuse when I see it “ Brandon says and his eyes turn soft and sympathetic.  “ I don’t know if you guys are together or anything and it’s none of my business, but if you do plan on having sexual contact with him I have to warn you that this is definitely not the first time something like this happens to him and might not be the last one if he doesn’t stop with this kind of lifestyle. I can tell he has been stitched before and the bruises on his pelvis and hips are varying from pretty fresh to older ones. These are signs of ongoing sexual abuse and combined with his drug addiction … This will end badly for him.”

“I know, Bren “ Tyler’s eyes burn so badly he can’t hold the tears back any longer “ I know and I really want to help him, but I don’t know how. He never lets me help him and he always leaves when I try to. What can I do ? “ he asks desperately and Brendon hugs him, because he’s a good friend.

“ You can’t just heal him out of his addiction, Ty. It takes time and effort and endless patience. It’s a huge burden to carry “

“ But I love him “ the moment the words leave Tyler’s mouth he knows he’s in very very deep. He loves Josh, he would give his life for him and do absolutely anything to save him. That thought makes him cry even harder, because loving someone like Josh was a hell of a difficult job.

“ I know you do, Ty. You wouldn’t go all these lengths for him if you didn’t love him “  Brendon says while rubbing his back. “ You need to convince him to go into rehab. It’s very important ,okay ?  He needs professional help and he needs it now “  Brendon lets go and Tyler feels so weak, so vulnerable and scared.  “ Convince him “ he says again “ I can take you to see him now”

Tyler stumbles after Brendon , tired, scared and still freezing. It feels like the only thing that can keep him warm right is Josh’s embrace . He misses Josh. That terrifies him.

 They walk to the room together, but Brandon leaves him alone to enter it and stays behind.  Josh is awake, but he looks so out of it Tyler wonders if it’s the drugs still wearing off or the fact that he was beaten and raped just hours ago. Probably both.  He looks up and Tyler’s heart is breaking all over again, because the beautiful mocha eyes are drowning in tears and pain. His lips are trembling and it looks like he wants to say something, but it’s gotten stuck somewhere on its way out.

Tyler feels like chocking as well, because he wants to say so many things and ask so many questions, but he’s not sure it’s the right time for either.  Instead he walks to the bed and sits down on the empty space at the edge of it.

Josh literally throws himself in Tyler’s lap, hugging him around his waist and burying his face in his stomach.

“Thank you , thank you, Tyler, thank you so much “ he keeps saying it and Tyler is so startled he has no clue what to do.  The other man is shaking with sobs, face buried in the fabric of Tyler’s shirt.

“Shhh” Tyler hushes him and pets his unruly pink hair that’s already fading into a color reminding Tyler of strawberry flavored milk.  “ It’s okay, J, I’ll take care of you “ this makes Josh shake even harder and Tyler’s shirt is growing wetter by the minute.

“ No one has ever done something like this for me “ Tyler’s heart bleeds at that, because Josh deserves so much and doesn’t even know it. “ You came back for m-me , you found me and – and you didn’t leave me like everyone else “ Tyler is trying to unwrap Josh from his waist and hug him properly, but the other man Is holding onto him for dear life.  “ Everyone always leaves me “ it’s so unfair and it hurts and Josh is crying so hard Tyler is scared that the other man will drown in his own tears.

He manages to change their position after all, moving the pink haired man to lie back down and wraps him in a hug. Josh relaxes into him and closes his eyes, tears still wetting his cheeks, but at least he’s not sobbing anymore.

“Why’d you come for me though ?” he asks with raspy and slightly deeper voice that sends a sparkle of something up and down Tyler’s spine. “ After I left… you could’ve just forgotten about me and move on.  You should’ve actually “ Josh adds and scoots closer to Tyler, almost as if that thought alone is making him feel colder.

“ No, Josh I couldn’t have “ Tyler says and pets the fading curls resting on his chest  “ You mean a lot to me. I know that is sounds weird because we barely know each other , but it’s true “

“ I’m addicted to heroin “ Josh admits, but chokes on the last word like it hurts him to say it out loud.

“ I know “ Tyler wants to say something to make it sound less terrifying and devastating, but finds no words.

“ I’ve been addicted since I turned 18. I’m 25 now “ it comes out even more pained, like he’s admitting something not only to Tyler but to himself as well. “ I never thought I’d make it to 25. And I still don’t think I’ll make it till 26 “

“ You will “ Tyler says but there’s barely any confidence behind his words. 7 years is long time. Too long maybe to get healed or cured or whatever it’s called.

Josh looks up at him with his warm eyes and kisses his arm. IT’s so gentle and light he barely feels the touch but it’s enough to spark a fire in his veins. There’s something in those eyes that draws him close and won’t let him leave. Maybe it’s not one particular thing, but everything Josh is, everything that hides behind his eyes and behind his smile. Tyler wants it, he wants all of it.

“ I’ll take care of you. You don’t have to feel scared anymore “ Josh is quiet, but his breathing gets uneven and when Tyler looks down he sees him crying again. There’s probably a lot to cry about he doesn’t say anything and keeps petting the other man’s hair and neck. Tyler knows what it’s like to be alone and to feel like he’s going to spend the rest of his life in loneliness. He never wants Josh to feel like that. 

When the visitation hours are over he’s being rushed out of the room but finds it so difficult it’s almost unbearable. He doesn’t want to leave Josh alone, feeling terrified that someone will hurt him while he’s not there to protect him.

They keep Josh in the hospital for a couple of days to make sure he doesn’t have an internal bleeding or another internal trauma.  Once he’s cleared to go home Tyler takes him to his apartment, despite the other man’s protests. He’s not leaving Josh alone, not after what he’s been through these past few days. He’s scared that Josh will start using as soon as he’s left alone and even more scared that those people from the night club will look for him again and make him go back to that awful place.

Tyler persuades Mark and Brendon to come with him to Josh’s “place” and take his stuff from there so that Josh won’t have to go back himself. When he goes there and finds out that it’s an empty attic with a bare mattress and a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling he’s even more determined to keep Josh by his side and give him a better life, hoping that it will help him battle his addiction. Josh’s “stuff” are two duffle bags of clothes and that’s literally all he has.  Tyler never felt richer in his life even though he works at a coffee place for pretty much minimum wage.

He takes a week off from work and bless Mark he doesn’t protest or comment on it. Tyler needs to stay close to Josh, who’s still pretty roughed up and doesn’t get up too much from bed. The doctors don’t prescribe him any strong painkillers, so he’s in pain and it makes things even more difficult. The signs of withdrawal are showing within a few days after Josh is discharged from hospital and Tyler is constantly by his side making sure he’s as comfortable as he can be, considering the situation.

Josh is throwing up everything he eats, even the water can’t stay down for longer than a couple of minutes. He’s sweating all the time and has hallucinations that scare Tyler to death. Sometimes he screams, from either terror or pain or fear. Sometimes he begs; to die, to be saved, to have something to take the edge off and he spends hours upon hours begging. Tyler is always there , always soothing him, talking him through it and promising things will get better.

There are days when things do get better , days when Josh isn’t delirious and they talk for hours until one of them falls asleep. They tell each other stories about their past, about their childhood and what they dreamed to be when they were kids. Tyler wanted to be a basketball player, but an injury ended his dream quite early. Josh was dreaming of being a drummer and Tyler itched to see Josh drum every time the pink haired man mentioned it.  But he never had the chance to follow his dreams. His life was a lot harder than Tyler could imagine.

“ My father used to get violent and beat my mother to the point where she couldn’t remember her name “ Josh told Tyler one evening, when the latter was dyeing his hair blue, hands stuttering and losing track of what they were doing.

“ She started using drugs when I was 13, because she just couldn’t handle my father without them. He was a sadist. I don’t even know how she lasted all those years with him “ Tyler is quiet, because this is the first time Josh is opening up about his life “ She started with pills , then turned to crack and ended with heroin. Overdosed when I was 15. My dad was at work when she died on the bathroom floor in my arms. “ his voice is shaking slightly, but isn’t breaking. It probably wasn’t the worst thing that happened to him the past 10 years. “ My sister moved away to study in another state. I ran away from home when I turned 16 because I couldn’t stand my father and I had no other reason to stay. So I came here, to Columbus and … well everything got messed up.”

“ Did you know anyone here ? “ Tyler asks while massaging Josh’s scalp to help the hair dye spread better

“ Yeah , I was supposed to live with a buddy of mine from Columbus, but things didn’t work out and I ended up on the streets “  the thought alone sounded scary. Finding yourself all alone in a foreign city, with no one to help you at the age of 16.  Tyler wouldn’t survive it.

“ From that point on everything started going downhill.  I couldn’t go back home to my father, but  I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I sort of slept on bus stops and park benches for a while.  I couldn’t bring myself to steal, even though some times I was so hungry I was this close. .. but I just couldn’t. It’s not how I was brought up.  I met some people along the way, they also shared a familiar fate and ended up homeless for some reason. One of them was called Mike, he was the one who introduced me to drugs. I mean I was introduced to drugs a lot earlier by my own mother ,but I never tried them in fear I’d end up like her. It’s ironic isn’t it ? “ Josh asks and looks up at Tyler, his eyes sparkling with sadness and disappointment “ That I did end up like her, even though I saw first headed what drugs can do to a person. “ Josh lays his head back against the curb of the tub where he’s sitting.

“ Mike was a good guitarist and I kind of play drums so we used to improvise and play together. He had this three stringed old guitar and I always found some card boxes to bang on. The music was shitty, but we had fun and that’s a lot when your life consists of searching dumpsters for food “  This makes Tyler think about the people he sees doing the same thing down the streets he takes to go to work.  It’s sad and unfair and it makes him wish he could give more people home and hope, the way he did for Josh.

“ Drugs made life more bearable. It made me forget about my mother’s face minutes before she died. I wasn’t terrified when I was high, I didn’t think about tomorrow or future in general. It helped me forget how hungry I am or how cold I am …” Josh trails off for a minute, searching for words and Tyler squeezes his eyes, trying not to imagine a 17 year old Josh hungry and freezing on some park bench.

“ The worst part about drugs though, is that once you start you can’t stop and then you get to the point where you would do anything just to get your next dose. That’s when it becomes dangerous. That’s when I met Brad and my life became living hell “  the shudder that goes through Josh’s body vibrates through the air and makes Tyler shiver himself. He wants to wrap Josh in his arms and tell him everything will be okay from now on and he will never have to feel that way ever again anymore. But he also promised the other man he’ll hear him out , so he just braces himself and keeps listening.

“ He’s a drug dealer and as it turned out a pimp as well. At first he’d give me drugs without asking anything in return. Being 17 and stupid I didn’t realize that nothing in this world is for free. Especially not drugs.  “ Josh shakes his head at his own naivety. “ After I got seriously hooked he started asking me to do things for him and he knew I wouldn’t say no because I needed the drugs and had no money to get it from anywhere else.  He started taking me to this club that his boss owned and told me I had to pay him back. I had no money so I had to earn my share in a different way. “ Tyler has already witnessed the consequences of earning your share in that “way” . He never wants to anything like that ever again.

“ At first I told him I wasn’t going to do it because I’m not a prostitute and refused to go to that club with him. I remember him telling me that I’ll beg him on my knees for it in a week and he was right. He stopped giving me drugs and after a couple of days of not using I was already so desperate I went to him and asked him to take me to that club because I couldn’t stand the withdrawal.  Looking back at it now, I’d rather die in a deserted alley choking on my own vomit than go through all of the years of doing drugs and getting fucked in that club again “ Tyler gently rubs his neck in attempt to help Josh calm down. The now blue haired man is shaking again and Tyler drapes his warm sweatshirt on his shoulder to keep him warm until it’s time to rinse his newly dyed hair.

“ It feels like I lost 7 years of my life. Like they never happened at all. I didn’t do anything during those years except  of getting high and not remembering days, even whole weeks of my life. I couldn’t get a job because I was using so much I wasn’t capable to working anything. I couldn’t have a proper relationship because … you know, who would want a crackhead prostitute for a boyfriend ? I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone or anything besides heroin and music. Well until now “ Josh adds and Tyler’s heart jumps at that. 

Josh turns around again and gently kisses Tyler’s hand, the one massaging his hair and Tyler nearly melt to the ground. Josh is kissing up and down his wrist, right where his pulse is beating rapidly and Tyler is a mess of feelings and emotions he doesn’t quite understand himself.

“ I fell in love with your heart “ Josh whispers and keeps kissing Tyler’s pulse, almost as if he’s trying to kiss his heart to prove his point “ When you helped me , I saw how big and generous your heart is and fell In love with it straight away. I’ve never met anyone like you, Tyler.  I’ve never loved anyone before, but you’re making it impossible for me not to love you “ Josh says, tears running down his cheeks while he’s still kissing and nuzzling into Tyler’s hand. It’s too much and Tyler falls to his knees so that he’s on eye level with Josh and kisses him on the lips, mixing his own tears with the other’s.  Josh kisses back, desperate and almost begging; to be loved, to be protected, to be _fixed._

“I love you so much” Tyler whispers “ I love you more than anything in the world, Josh, I swear to God “ Josh is shaking his head, but he’s smiling and it’s the most beautiful thing Tyler has ever seen.

“ You shouldn’t fall in love with someone like me, Tyler “ Josh kisses his nose and forehead, wiping Tyler’s tears with his lips “ I’m not any good, I will only break your heart and destroy your life “

“ I don’t care “ Tyler whispers and kisses Josh on the mouth again, never getting enough of that feeling. “ I love you, _I love you”_

Blue looked really well on Josh. Hell everything looks amazing on him, especially when he’s smiling his brilliant smile that lights up Tyler’s life like a thousand suns.  It’s the first time Tyler plays one of his songs to someone and he’s so nervous he might throw up any moment, but Josh is so excited and smiles so wide it warms his heart and calms his nerves.  He’s gripping the ukulele in his arms and looks down on the ground before looking up at the blue haired man who looks more like a small child right now, waiting for Christmas to arrive. It makes him smile. It’s the first time he wrote a song about someone and actually shows the song to the someone. It’s nerve-wracking. But oh so worth it.

 _I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here,_  
'Cause if you stick around I'll sing you pretty sounds,  
And we'll make money selling your hair.  
  
I don't care what's in your hair,  
I just wanna know what's on your mind,  
I used to say, "I wanna die before I'm old,"  
But because of you I might think twice.

It was a little part of a song he’s been writing since he met Josh and finally singing it to the man he loved felt amazing. Josh is clapping so hard his palms must hurt, but he looks so happy it hardly matters.

“You wrote this for me ? “ he asks and runs a hand through freshly dyed hair to ruffle it up “ Honestly ? It’s a song about me ? “ Tyler laughs and kisses him , trapping the ukulele awkwardly between them

“ Yeah, it’s a song about you “ he answers when they separate and smiles, because he’s never seen Josh so happy.

“No one has ever done anything like that for me “ Tyler holds his hands and kisses each knuckle separately.

“ You deserve it and a whole lot more “

“ I don’t deserve you though “ Josh looks down and Tyler wants to punch something, because he can’t seem to convince Josh that he deserves the world and none of what happened to him is his fault.

Happy moments like this one are rather rare, because as soon as Josh stops taking painkillers for his bruised ribs the withdrawal comes back and hits him **_hard ._** It’s difficult seeing the man he loves double over and squeeze his stomach, face twisted in pain and need of something he knows he shouldn’t take.  Josh throws up every day, after every meal , he just can’t keep any food down. His hands shake and his voice shakes when he asks Tyler for help, for something to make the pain go away. It’s unfair and sometimes Tyler almost complies, almost runs down to the drug store to buy Josh something strong to help him a little, because it’s pure agony seeing him like this. 

The nightmares are also scary and keep Tyler awake, because he hears Josh beg whoever was hurting him to stop, to leave him alone and it never ends. Every night it’s a different person, different place, but all the same screaming and begging. It’s maddening.

It makes Tyler wonder if maybe he swallowed a bite that’s too big for him to handle. Maybe he’s too stupid to actually think that he can heal the man he loves just with his love and care. Maybe that’s not enough.

They make it through two weeks before Josh has a particularly bad breakdown and tries to hurt himself badly. Tyler stops him just on time before Josh could actually cut his wrists with the kitchen knife , but it scares him enough to seek Brandon’s help again.

“ You need to send him to a clinic Tyler, you can’t handle him by yourself. He needs professional help, okay ? “ Tyler tells him over the phone and the younger man wants to scream , he feels so helpless

“ Josh doesn’t want to go to rehab, Bren. He’s been to clinics before and it didn’t help him. If I send him away I might not see him again, he will run away and I will lose him “ Tyler practically cries “ Please, Brendon, I’m begging you. You’re a doctor, tell me what to do ? How can I help him ? “ Brendon sighs deeply and stays quiet for a moment.

“ I’ve seen bad withdrawals before and I know how dangerous a drug addict can get when the need to use becomes stronger than his common sense. I know that you think that Josh won’t hurt you, but you have no clue what a person can do when he’s desperate for a hit. He will kill you if he thinks it will help him get to the drugs and he won’t even realize it “ that makes Tyler’s blood freeze in his veins. Josh didn’t remember cutting up his own hands with the knife.

“ But—but what can I do ? I can’t just leave him all alone”

“Unfortunately that’s the only thing you _can_ do at the moment. I don’t want to advise you to do something like this and as a doctor I think it’s a horrible idea, but … the best thing you can do is leave Josh alone while he’s going through the worst of his withdrawal and make sure he doesn’t have anything around him he could use to hurt himself.  I know it feels wrong to leave him alone, but believe me , you being there won’t help him at all. It might endanger you if anything and we don’t want that.” it downed on Tyler what he was supposed to do, the thought alone making his stomach twist and turn upside down.  Locking Josh all alone and leaving him to deal with the agony on his own sounded like the worst thing he could do. But the only right thing he could do. So he did.

**

Brendon warned him about the screaming and cursing and begging that will follow, but it doesn’t make it any easier when Tyler hears Josh howl on the other side of the locked door. He’s standing in front of it and listens to Josh cry and scream and bang on the walls. He has no clue how he’s going to survive this.

It hurts to hear Josh screaming that he hates him, even though Tyler knows that the other man doesn’t really mean it, that he’s just too far gone from the pain, but it still hurts like hell.  Josh calls him names and tells him he’ll hurt him if Tyler comes anywhere hear him and then spends hours apologizing and promising he didn’t meant it and begging for forgiveness.

It’s a never ending cycle that goes on for days and nights and Tyler has the dreading feeling that It will never end.  Josh talks to himself, screams at himself and curses someone who’s not even there.  He cries until he loses his voice and then goes back to screaming at Tyler and telling him how much he fucking hates him. Tyler tries not to listen but it’s impossible to unhear it all.

It gets even scarier when Josh goes quiet and stops screaming and crying. Tyler is worried that he passed out or something is very wrong with him and spends hours just standing outside the door trying to hear some sound of life. There’s nothing.

He crouches down to the small opening he craved at the bottom of the door where he usually passes the food through and looks around, seeing Josh’s unmoving body on the bed, curled up on himself in an unmoving heap.

Tyler doesn’t think too much before he unlocks the door and walks in, the smell of sweat and vomit hitting him straight away.  Josh hasn’t left this room in over a week and it’s a complete mess. Carefully Tyler nears the bed and touches Josh’s shoulder to see if he gets any reaction. Nothing.

Terrified he turns the blue haired man to lie on his back and he complies without much struggle. His face is sunken in and painfully thin , a result from throwing up everything he eats or not eating at all. His cheeks and chin are covered in a week old scruff that’s not quite beard and his eyes are glazed over and unfocused.  His lips are moving and Tyler has to lean down in order to hear what the other man is trying to say and his heart fills with sorrow when he hears words leaving Josh’s mouth. He’s calling for his mom and doesn’t see Tyler who’s hovering above him. He just wants his mom, he’s scared and lost and wants to go home.

Tyler scoops him up and Josh weights so little it’s almost impossible. He takes him to the bathroom , lowers him into the tub and fills it with warm water. Josh is still unresponsive and far far away , eyes unseeing and lost all focus.  They are still coffee colored and almond shaped, carrying the kindness of the stars in them. Tyler washes him slowly, kissing his eyelids and cheeks, running his hands over the beautiful vibrant tattoo covering his entire right arm. Everything about Josh is soft and beautiful, every edge smooth and every angle gentle. Tyler tries not to drown.

When the bath is over he takes Josh out of the water and dries him off, leading him slowly to Tyler’s room and lays him down on the bed. Tyler stays up all night, watching, waiting for an outburst or a breakdown and too scared to let go. Josh sleeps, for the first time in a whole week he’s asleep, not screaming or crying. It’s a true gift from heaven and even though Tyler is absolutely exhausted in the morning he has never been more grateful.

The next few days are better, Josh spends most of them in Tyler’s bed but he’s slowly coming back to his senses. On the third day he asks Tyler for pancakes when he wakes up and Tyler doesn’t remember ever making pancakes so fast in his entire life.

Josh eats. He’s licking his fingers and smiles sleepily at Tyler who strums on his ukulele and smiles back because he’s so in love it can’t be real.  They share the pancakes’ and make a huge mess on the bed but who cares when Josh is giggling and licking syrup off Tyler’s fingers that makes him shudder.  Josh probably notices that and starts sucking on them which is driving Tyler absolutely crazy. He hasn’t done anything sexual with the blue haired man yet, afraid it’s still too soon after the ordeal he barely survived at the club. 

But Josh it taking the lead now, draping his warm body over Tyler’s and kissing his neck and collar bones.  It feels absolutely amazing, his body electrified by the tender , but passionate kisses the other man is showering him with.  Tyler is still hesitant about going any further so he lets Josh do what he wants without taking any action himself. And Josh wants.

He’s pulling Tyler’s shirt over his head and once it’s on the floor he’s all over Tyler,  licking and kissing his chest and belly. He’s getting dangerously close to his crotch, prepping wet kisses near the waistband of Tyler’s shorts and the brunette moans, the pleasure too much to hold back.  Then the movement stops and he opens his eyes to see Josh looking up at him, hands on the waistband of his boxers and question in his eyes. It’s so hot, the way Josh looks at him with hunger in his eyes and mouth hanging slightly open like he can’t take a proper breath.  Tyler nods and lets his head fall back on the pillows, while the blue haired man pulls his shorts and boxers down, mouth exploring his jutting hipbones and the tender skin around them.  His mouth travels down, tongue teasing his sensitive skin and making the brunette shudder helplessly. By the time Josh gets to his dick Tyler is painfully hard and the moan that leaves his mouth is almost pornographic. Josh’s mouth is warm and soft, his clever tongue teasing and licking in the best and worst way possible.  It’s probably the best blowjob he’s ever gotten and Tyler tries not to think about how many times Josh has done this in his life to become this good. He doesn’t last long, it’s been a long while since he’s done anything nearly sexual with someone else after all and his orgasm hits him so hard he literally sees stars exploding inside his eyelids

“Oh God.. Jesus “ he pants, hands playing with Josh’s blue hair while the other man kisses his thighs and relaxes his head against Tyler’s right hip bone.  The smile that plays on his lips is almost smug and the brunette wants to kiss it off his face.

“ Wow” he says instead and makes Josh giggle, his breath tickling on his still over sensitive skin.

“ I’m that good huh ? “ Josh asks, crinkled eyes shining up at him

“ You’re practically a God “ Tyler says and giggles when Josh buries his head in the juncture where his thigh meets his pelvis “ Stop it, it tickles .. ahghh Josh “ they end up getting into a tickle fight, rolling around Tyler’s bed and laughing like little kids. Everything seems so simple, so easy in moments like these. Like all it takes is for them to have each other and love each other and everything will be okay.  It’s not that simple though. Tyler tries to forget that for the time being.

**

Tyler starts going to work again when he feels like he can leave Josh alone for longer. He still calls 20 times a day to check on him and always rushes to go back home , stomach twisting with fear of not finding Josh there.  He’s always there though, greeting Tyler at the door almost as if he’s been waiting there for him to come home all day. It’s pretty obvious that the blue haired man has lacked love and care for a long time, because even the smallest act of either makes him very emotional and so grateful Tyler’s pretty sure it’s not supposed to be this way. He keeps telling Josh how amazing he is, how good and kind and smart he is which makes the other man cry more often than not.  It’s all true, behind his addiction Josh is one big universe of unexplored talent and capabilities. Tyler works extra hard and ends up buying his boyfriend a drum kit – a used one, but still a drum kit none the less.  Josh spends 3 hours crying in the bathroom afterwards, because nobody has given him any gifts in over 8 years and he’s so grateful but also feels so guilty that he can’t buy Tyler something as well.

It becomes kind of therapeutic for the drummer, to bang on the drums as hard as he can whenever the need to take something gets too much and he needs to let it out.  He still experiences episodes when his body craves drugs, or when his mind wonders to dark places and brings out memories of horrors he has survived and needs to drown them out.  Josh often admits to Tyler that if he had drugs on him, he would take them without even thinking about it. Not because he wants to, but because the need is so strong it consumes him entirely. Even though he’s been clean for a month it’s still incredibly hard to stay that way, especially when depression grips his throat hard and makes it difficult for him to breathe. 

Tyler sometimes feels like drowning too and that’s when it’s Josh’s turn to be the one who makes sure his boyfriend is okay. Tyler mentioned to him once that he used to hurt himself and showed him his faint scars that will never completely fade which is something he has only done once before and never thought he’d do again.  Josh kissed each thin line decorating his skin and promised him he’ll do his best to make sure Tyler never hurts like that ever again. They both find comfort in each other and use it to push forward when things get tough.  And the do get tough pretty often, because 7 years of fear and abuse is too long to be erased within  a couple of months of happiness and Josh finds himself throwing up and crying in the bathroom more often than he’d like to. Tyler convinces him to go to a group therapy where he could meet other people who share the same problems he does.  Josh does it for Tyler. He does everything for Tyler because the man saved his life with his endless love and huge loving heart.

Josh starts working at a record store nearby, when he learns to control the constant need to vomit and cry. His therapist prescribed him pills to help with his anxiety and restlessness which helps. Every time he feels like he needs to get high he calls Tyler and talks to him, battling the uprising feeling and drowning it in Tyler’s words and his voice.

Josh actually starts dreaming, something he stopped doing years ago and it scares him.  Having hopes and dreams means that they can be broken and shattered and now he’s afraid of that more than ever. But he wants things now, for him and for Tyler. He wants to play his drums in front of people. He wants for more people to hear Tyler’s songs and appreciate his amazing talent. He wants to play music professionally, with the love of his life by his side and share his dreams. He never wanted anything like this before, because he couldn’t see past the need to get his next dose. And then the next,  and so on. Now he can focus on what’s really important in his life.

And it’s an angel disguised as a human, who grins at him with his crooked smile, like he just can’t help it. He told Josh earlier today that he has good news but refused to tell what the news were no matter how many times Josh has called him. The smile tells the blue haired man that the news really are good and excitement courses through his veins.

“ So ? “ he prompts Tyler who’s making himself a cup of coffee and smiles to himself over the counter “ Tyleerrrrr “ Josh slurs and the brunette smiles even wider

“ Patience , baby “ he says and Josh pouts, making him laugh “You’re such a dork”

“You’re a tease” Josh counters and pouts harder “ You can’t just throw it out there and not tell me what the good news are. That’s cruel “

“ Well I wanted to torture you a little” Tyler grins again and grabs his freshly made coffee from underneath the coffee machine, inhaling the smell and closing his eyes. After he opens them he sees Josh staring at him which makes him hot all over. He puts the mug down on the counter and goes straight to where Josh sits at a stool, swinging his feet back and forth like a little kid.

The blue haired man smells like cigarettes and Tyler frowns , but kisses his boyfriend who kisses back eagerly.

“ Have you been smoking again ? “ Tyler asks and Josh blushes slightly which is an answer enough.

“You and your nose” Josh mutters “ Yeah, I had one after I woke up. Needed .. um. ..something “ he adds and bites his lips, worried that Tyler will be angry at him for it.

“ It’s okay, J “ Tyler reassures him and kisses his forehead “ I just never really enjoyed the smell of nicotine .

“Sorry “ he mutters and Tyler kisses him again

“It’s fine. You wanna hear the good news now ? “ and Josh perks up at that and nods fast. “ So you know my friend Patrick right ? The one who works at a venue downtown? “ Josh nods eagerly “ So I talked to him and played him some of our demo songs and … he wants to book us for a show “ Tyler finishes and Josh is staring at him with wide eyes and slightly opened mouth. It’s endearing and adorable and Tyler never wants to stop seeing Josh like this

“ Wait .. you’re telling me we’re going to play an actual show ? In front of people ? “ Tyler nods and Josh keeps staring, somewhat disbelieving “ Like.. on a stage ? On a real stage ? “ Tyler is overwhelmed with adoration seeing Josh struggle with the fact that they’re actually going to play a show.

“Yeah, Josh. Real stage and real people. Unless you want to play on a palette stage but that would be dangerous …” he trails off and giggles when Josh jumps off his chair and garbs Tyler’s hands gently.

“ You’re serious right now ? Absolutely 100% serious ? “ a smile begins to form on the blue man’s face, but it’s steel sheepish, as if he’s scared to believe it’s true.

“Yeah J, we’re booked to play in two weeks from now “ Tyler says and Josh turns pale

“Two weeks ? But.. but what if I suck ? I need to practice more, I mean I already do practice all day but maybe I should start practicing at night too cause wow two weeks that’s like so soon and …. “ Tyler wraps Josh in his arms, stopping his rambling which slowly turns into crying.

“Shhhh” Tyler hushes him and keeps holding him tightly “ You’re gonna do great, baby. You’re the best drummer I have ever met “ he says and Josh shakes with sobs “ I believe in you, in us , in what we do. I know we’re gonna do great and people will love the show “ Josh nods in his arms, slowly calming down from his emotional breakdown.

“ I can’t believe I’ll actually play in front of people “ Josh mumbles into Tyler’s already wet shirt “ I’ve dreamed of this since I was little, but I never actually … I never imagined it happening and now …. thank you, thank you Tyler, thank you so much “ Tyler barely contains his own tears because it’s such a small thing but to Josh it means the world and he’s so happy he could do this for the man he loves.

“ It’s okay, J, you don’t have to thank me. You’ve made it this far, I’m just glad I was there to help you. But you made it on your own and you should be really proud of yourself. I’m so proud of you “

“I love you “ Josh answers and leans up to kiss Tyler who welcomes it and kisses back “ I love you so fucking much “

“ I love you too, J”  Tyler smiles into the kiss and feels more content than he’s ever felt in his life.

 

**

The day of their show is nerve wracking , but Tyler thrives in it. They carry their own gear to the venue and tune it there, so that everything sounds perfect for the show. It’s the first time Josh actually sees the venue and he loses his speech when he realizes that it holds a couple of hundred people capacity. There’s still nobody there because it’s still too early but they both try to imagine what it’s like to have this place filled with people who want to listen to their music.  Nobody knows them so they will have to win the crowd over with their performance and Tyler feels both nervous and determined to accept that challenge. They’re only two dudes so being entertaining and present enough is quite the challenge, but Tyler hopes that their music will be enough to compensate for the lack of other band members.  

He wrote most of the songs while still in high school, feeling lonely, depressed and angry. He feels a bit doubtful about sharing all of those feelings with other people, but maybe there will be someone in the crowd tonight who felt the same way he did and will relate with his lyrics.

Josh is a nervous mess by the time people start filling up the venue and Tyler spends most of his time playing with his hair and kissing his cheeks so the drummer would calm down a little.

“What if someone recognizes me ? “ Josh panics, hands shaking and eyes blinking rapidly “ What if someone who knew me before recognizes me and – and  … “ Tyler knows what Josh means and tries to reassure him.

“ Hey, it doesn’t matter okay ? I’ll be there all the time and if someone gives you trouble I won’t let them. Alright ? “ Josh nods, still biting his lips raw.

“Are we gonna do well tonight ? Please, be honest with me… do you think we’ll do okay ? “

“ Of course we will.  It’s okay to be nervous , if you feel too overwhelmed just hit your drums harder and  you’ll be alright “ Tyler reassures him and Josh nods

“Okay . Love you “

“Love you too, J”

It’s time to go on stage and neither of them knows how many people have come. It could be two or two hundred. Mark is in front row, along with Brendon and a couple of other friends Tyler invited.  When they step out from behind the curtain the room is already dim and Tyler can see a huge ocean of faces turned towards the stage. The venue is full. This is the best day of his life.

It’s the best day of Josh’s life as well, he realizes that many times during that night. The songs they’ve practiced in Tyler’s bedroom are now thundering through the massive speakers and the crowd is soaking them in. Everyone in the room Is as invested in the music as they are, dancing, singing along and screaming. Tyler is absolutely magnetic, running around and jumping all over the stage like he was born to do it.  Josh is proud of him and he’s kind of proud of himself as well, something he has never felt before.  

Music is like a drug.  It pulses in his veins and makes him feel alive. It’s addictive because Josh knows that the moment he gets off stage he will want more.  Music helps him forget about the bad stuff and concentrate on the present, forces him to live in the moment and embrace life as it comes.  And it doesn’t always come easy or happy, but if he has learned anything from the past couple of months is that the purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that he has lived. That it’s worth loving harder than any pain he’s ever felt.  For the first time in his life Josh feels like he has purpose and the feeling is absolutely liberating.

Tyler takes him out from behind the drum kit by the hand and walks him to the center of the stage after their set is done.  Everyone is cheering. It’s a small crowd and in small venue , in a small town but for the two of them it feels like they’ve just conquered the world.

 _This,_ Josh thinks. This is what he always wanted. Tyler squeezes his hand while they bow and Josh never wants to let go. So he holds on tighter than ever and follows Tyler through the tunnel to the back stage and their new life together.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it till the end - THANK YOU SO MUCH, I KNOW THIS WAS SUPER LONG BUT I HOPE YOU LIKED IT.
> 
> Comments warm up my sad little heart :)))
> 
> Also to everyone who's reading my other fic - I'm sorry I haven't updated for a week. I'm writing the new chapter right now so I'll update as soon as I can :)


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